Foodvengers, Guardians of Grub
by HappyQuagga
Summary: Based off The Avengers, but every character is a food item. This is an interesting story with a lot of action and food-based puns.
1. Introduction

_**Foodvengers: Guardians of Grub**_

Introduction

The Refrigerator of the McMillan household was a place of turmoil. A place of troublemakers. A place of justice. However, the McMillans knew nothing about this. They were completely oblivious to the battles inside their refrigerator, which they opened, cleaned, and looked at on a daily basis. They were not even vaguely aware of any sort of problem. This is because the source of all this turmoil was the food inside of the refrigerator.

The refrigerator had two doors. The one on the left led to the freezer, the other to the refrigerator. The food on the left side was considered cold, dry, and plain until removed and properly cooked. The food on the right was pleasant and ready-to-eat. Very little preparation was required for the food on the right. The foods in these two sections were fully aware of this difference. This difference was their life, their identity, their blessing, and their curse. You see, the two sides of the McMillan refrigerator were at war.

The left side hosted a group of food that referred to themselves as the Foodvengers. The Foodvengers believed in justice, freedom, and liberty. And they hated the foods from the freezer, otherwise known as the Cold Ones. The Cold Ones believed solely in mass destruction, manipulation, and revenge. They had pledged to their founding father, Sir Hot Pocket, that they would do anything under their power to defeat the Foodvengers, and they refused to go back on this promise. Likewise, the Foodvengers would not let them succeeed. The Foodvengers and the Cold Ones have gone to war countless times. But no war could be compared to the war that was about to begin.


	2. Chapter One

**Foodvengers: Guardians of Grub**

Chapter 1:

The Incredible Hamburger stood with Captain Apple in the top shelf of the refrigerator door. They were discussing their newest scheme to defeat the Cold Ones. Upon first glance, the Incredible Hamburger appeared to be a simple leftover hamburger. But when aggravated, he turned into a monster, destroying anything and anyone in his path. Captain Apple considered himself the leader of the Foodvengers, although the other members did not agree at all. He was the most conceited of the group. Captain Apple never traveled without his secret weapon: his shield, made from a discarded potato chip.

Silently, Agent Stroganoff walked onto the shelf. Agent Stroganoff was a very sensible lady. Her beauty and beef made it easy for her to distract villains such as the Cold Ones. Behind her walked Corn. Corn never traveled without his trusty fork. Corn was known for his amazingly beauty and his astonishing physique. Needless to say, that much attention sometimes got to his head. Fiber Bar followed. Fiber Bar's high iron quantity made him extremely strong, but he preferred to fight from within his cellophane wrapper, which could never be penetrated.

The five warriors stood in a tight huddle. They were discussing what to do about the most dangerous of the Cold Ones: DiGiorno. DiGiorno was a low-key kind of man, but when attacked, he was merciless. He had the power to make anyone hallucinate that he or she was being slowly cooked in an oven preheated to 350 degrees. Before every kill, he whispers "You want a pizza me?" into the victim's ear before impaling the poor soul with his razor-sharp pepperoni's. The last thing anyone would want to do is to be on DiGiorno's bad side, but that was precisely the goal of the Foodvengers.

Because of their conflicting personalities, the Foodvengers were not coming any closer to a plan. "Let's cut him to the core!" shouted Captain Apple. "No, no. We need to plan a surprise attack. Otherwise, he'll notice us and have a cow!" explained the Incredible Hamburger. Corn suggested that they capture DiGiorno and take him to the local cops, the Peas Force*. "Heck no!" interfered Fiber Bar. "If we put him behind _those_ bars, he'll eventually get out. Or he'll torture the peas to death! We can't allow that." Argument broke out. Everyone was fighting, and the babble was unbearable.

"I agree wholeheartedly," said a smooth, cool voice. The five heroes looked up to see a frozen artichoke staring down from the shelf above them. It was one of the Cold Ones.

*Peas are viewed as a neutral food item because they can thrive on either side of the refrigerator. Therefore, they have been chosen to keep the shelves safe by acting as a police force.


	3. Chapter Two

**Foodvengers: Guardians of Grub**

Chapter Two:

Stunned, the Foodvengers looked up. The frozen artichoke was staring down at them, unblinking. No one knew what to say. They were all embarrassed by being caught by a spy.

Without warning, the artichoke rolled away. "GET HIM!" shouted Captain Apple. The Foodvengers charged! As they picked up more and more momentum, the wall of the fridge grew closer and closed. "We're going to crash!" cried Stroganoff. Just as they were about to give up, Corn noticed a crack in the fridge wall. As his teammates fell back, he kept pursuing the artichoke until it slipped through the crack.

The artichoke disappeared behind the fridge wall, unaware of its follower. Corn approached the place where the artichoke had disappeared. There was nothing on the wall but a small crack, but as soon as touched it, the entire wall succumbed and fell backward. A dark, moldy room was revealed. The artichoke had stopped in the middle of the room. It looked back at Corn with a mixture of shock, confusion, anger, and fear.

"FREEZE!" screamed Corn. "Just what do you think you're doing? I know you heard us back there. Well, here's the cold truth: your life means nothing to me! I could kill you on the spot and go on living my life. But before I proceed, I would like to know a little more about the Cold Ones. If you tell me what I want, you just might get to see them again!"

As he spoke, something moved behind the artichoke. A shadow appeared. The one and only DiGiorno stepped out from the back of the room.

"Good work, agent," said DiGiorno to the artichoke. "You are dismissed." The frozen vegetable rolled out of the room, back to the freezer. "As for you," DiGiorno said coolly to Corn. "You must stay. Why, it's been ages since I last saw you! Come, let us chat." Reluctantly, Corn rolled towards DiGiorno. The two foods paused and looked each other in the eye. Finally, Corn broke the silence. "What were you hoping to discuss? I'm all ears."


	4. Chapter Three

**Foodvengers: Guardians of Grub**

Chapter Three:

DiGiorno rolled back and forth the room with a dark expression. Corn waited patiently. Finally, the frozen pizza spoke.

"You must think you are so clever, eh? You discovered this room. You pursued an agent of the Cold Ones. But tell me; do you honestly believe that your refrigerated rats could defeat the fantastic frozen foods? Are you truly that ignorant? Do you find nothing idiotic or corny about your frame of mind?" DiGiorno did not break eye contact with his enemy.

Corn was not fazed. "It's just like you to be so cheesy, DiGiorno," he continued. "But yes. I do expect to defeat you. However, that isn't the point." He paused. "If you are so intent upon winning, why send an agent? Why reveal yourself? Only the weak feel the need to blatantly provoke an enemy in the hopes that some rare stroke of luck will save them."

"You're right," DiGiorno said. A smirk spread across his face. "Only the weak would walk into an open battlefield. I believe that by walking into _my _lair, following _my _agent, you have done exactly that."

He drew out his last words, and plucked a pepperoni from his cold skin. He began to sharpen it against his icy crust. Corn was totally unprepared; he had hastily left his trusty fork in his own territory, and he didn't even have any hardened kernels in his back pocket! Just as it seemed that all was lost, Corn remembered DiGiorno's weakness. DiGiorno had a certain trigger word, a word that made his cheese thick with rage and his sauce boil with envy. If only Corn could remember the word…

Time seemed to slow down. A bead of sweat trickled down Corn's body. He needed to remember- quickly! In a flash, it all came back to him. With all the strength he could muster, Corn screamed the word.

"DELIVERY!"

DiGiorno stopped in his tracks. "Wh-what did you say?" he stuttered. There was a long pause. "It's not delivery...it's DiGiorno! No! DiGiorno is the best pizza. Why would anyone choose delivery?" He began to whimper. The whimper turned into a cry, then a panicked sob.

"Oh, why? The terrible injustice of it all! It's not delivery! It's DiGiorno! DiGiorno! DiGiorno is the best pizza, and the best pizza is DiGiorno!" Traumatized, DiGiorno retreated to the corner of the room, his toppings wet with saucy tears. Corn slowly crept back to the refrigerator. He could just make out the words "it's not delivery, it's DiGiorno" between muffled sobs. Relieved, Corn rolled back to his home, where he would tell his companions about the recent twist of events.


	5. Chapter Four

**Foodvengers: Guardians of Grub**

Chapter Four:

Needless to say, the others were shocked by Corn's new tale.

"We must not let the Cold Ones spy on us ever again!" concluded the Incredible Hamburger. "From now on, let's use code names. Can I be the Inburglible Hamcredible? No one would ever suspect me!"

"No!" interjected Fiber Bar. "That would only complicate things. What we need to do is to spy on them. Let's turn the tables. Let the irony of it all sink into their tiny brains before we crush them"

"That idea is awful to the core. We need to attack them," argued Captain Apple.

After a solid thirty minutes of discussion, it was Corn who devised the final plan. The Foodvengers were to sneak between the walls that divided the freezer from the outside world. Stroganoff and Captain Apple would stay inside the walls and eavesdrop on the Cold Ones' conversation, whereupon Corn, Fiber Bar, and the Incredible Hamburger would attack on a given signal. Corn and Hamburger would find DiGiorno, while Fiber Bar would establish a hostage situation.

"I know how difficult it can be to put strangers in danger," Corn explained. "But we need to keep in mind that all the Cold Ones are our enemies, not just DiGiorno. If we attempt to wipe them all out at once, we would extinguish the threat, but there's a chance that there would be survivors hungry for revenge. Therefore, it's best to keep most as hostages while we get information from DiGiorno. Let's say we get the information. Great. We imprison DiGiorno and his followers. But if we do not, we kill each of the Cold Ones one by one, starting with the least competent members and slowly working our way up to DiGiorno's most trusted henchmen. As DiGiorno realizes the risks of staying silent, he will open up. Under all that frozen dough and cheese, there's a part of DiGiorno that truly does want to protect his men. He does have a heart. I promise. We need to keep him alive for as long as possible in order to get information from him. DiGiorno will open up eventually. He must."

The rest of the Foodvengers stared at Corn in awe. Finally, Stroganoff spoke.

"Corn, I can't understand why you're so convinced that DiGiorno has a good side. Why do you want to keep him alive? Is there something you aren't telling us?"

Corn's face fell. The color slowly drained from his kernels. His companions looked at each other in disbelief. Could there be a spy among them?

Corn broke into a sweat. "You are right. I do know much more about DiGiorno than I should. After all, I knew his trigger word, and that's why I am still alive. But there is a key part to all of this that you do not know. I have been living with this burden my entire life, and I have not spoken of it until now. I was hoping to never have to uncover the truth, but I see now where the circumstances have led me. Please remember this part of my history does not, has not, and never will affect my dedication to the Foodvengers."

Corn took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "DiGiorno...DiGiorno is my brother."


	6. Chapter Five

**Foodvengers: Guardians of Grub**

Chapter Five:

The Foodvengers gasped. Corn and DiGiorno were brothers? No one could believe it. They had been enemies for decades. Out of all the Foodvengers, Corn was always the most brutal towards DiGiorno. He would get violently angry at DiGiorno over the slightest complications, and refuse to compromise or negotiate. As cold as DiGiorno was, could anyone be as inhumane as to hate a family member so much?

On the other hand, Corn had always understood DiGiorno more than the others. He had always been able to guess DiGiorno's next move or work his way out of sticky situations involving the frosty villain. Maybe this was because they had grown up together. Maybe DiGiorno had an entire archive of DiGiorno's strengths and weaknesses. Maybe the reverse was also true, and DiGiorno had a secret window into the Foodvengers' strategies.

None of the Foodvengers spoke. They simply looked at each other with expressions of confusion and awe. Nobody could find words to express the general strangeness of the situation. Eventually, Corn broke the ice.

"Even though DiGiorno is my brother, I want each and every one of you to know exactly how much you mean to me. If it wasn't for you, I'd probably end up in the same place as my brother. Confused, upset, and purely evil. So if you decide to kick me out of the Foodvengers group, I totally understand." Corn paused and looked at his trusty fork. "While I'm still part of this group, I'd just like to say thank you. For all that you've done for me. For believing in me. For saving my life. As corny as it sounds, it's the truth"

There was a short pause. Stroganoff, Captain Apple, Fiber Bar, and Hamburger all tried to imagine the existence of the Foodvengers without Corn. Sure, the loyalty of the group would be unshakeable, but was it really worth sacrificing one of their best warriors?

The Incredible Hamburger cleared his throat. "All in favor of keeping our loyal Corn, say 'aye.'"

Simultaneously, all of the Foodvengers shouted. "AYE!"


End file.
